My 'little girl', Tifani left for heaven yesterday, March 20, at 10:15 a.m.  She is no longer in pain. Her weight had dropped to 60# and she was but a skeleton lying in that bed.  Her mom said she had been unresponsive for the last couple of days and they knew she was very close to the end.  At the times that she did open her eyes there was no life in her eyes.  Around 10 a.m. Karen called Nick in to say goodbye to his love.

Nick is 26 and Tifani, 28, and Nick loved and adored our Tifani.  She was his first and only love. He swore that she was the only woman he had ever been with.......and I believe him.  He was that kind of guy.....so loving and devoted. He loved his 2 sons, Kohen 3 and Kanin 1.  Nick loved his family. Nick worked for his dad in the building trade but had taken several months off to spend every moment with Tifani during the period of her declining health. Of course, his dad continued to pay Nick.  His family is a wonderful, close knit family and they loved Tifani too and they knew how much Nick loved her. 

Nick was always strong for Tifani and he would never show his pain and fear in front of her. I admire him so much for being there for her and loving her so much. He rarely left her side. But at 10:15 yesterday Karen and Nick were standing over Tifani as she drew her last breath, her lower jaw jutted out, she gasped and she was gone.  Nick let out a scream and he finally cried in front of his love. 

It has been some time since I last posted writings to my blog......April 5, 2009 to be exact.  Since that time I have discovered that I have a 28 year old daughter living in Austin, Texas. Tifani was born on December 9, 1981, approximately 8 months after I left my duty station while serving in the U.S Navy at a Navy Technical Traning Center in Meridian, Mississippi.  I honestly did not know that her mother was pregnant when I left. She and I were just friends for 2 years and, quite honestly, she was dating another guy. I had roomed with him and never liked him as he was an egotistical jerk with a drinking problem.  But one day it just happened....... then just one more time before I transferred to another duty station. I really cared for Karen.

After I got out of the Navy in 1983, I made numerous efforts to find Karen.  I knew that Karen was from Austin, Texas and I eventually found her and we talked. She told me that she had married and quickly divorced the jerk that I had tried to warn her about. He was an abusive alcoholic. She told me that she had a 2 year old daughter. We both knew that there was a possibility she could  be my daughter but the chances were very slim. DNA testing didn't even exist back then and Karen said she didn't think I was the father so we left things as they were.

Being friends with Karen, she had told me that she was in a relationship with a female prior to joining the Navy. They had broken up and she joined the Navy to get away. It never mattered to me that she was gay/bi-sexual because I liked her a lot as a person. Karen was very cute, shy, and  funny, although she seemed to be quite insecure. None the less, we became good friends and we made love twice before I left.

I never forgot Karen even though I got married and then divorced after 15 years of marriage.  It has been almost a year since I started my efforts to find Karen again. Surprisingly I was able to locate her in the Austin, Texas area.  The world wide web is wonderful.  She told me that she had been in relationships with a few women over a 25 year time period. I kind of expected it and was not surprised at all. Her last relationship had been going on for over 11 years and she was still with a female.  I asked her how her daughter was doing and how old she would be now. Karen told me that Tifani was 27 years old, married and had 2 sons, 7 months and 2 years old.  She also told me that they had discovered that Tifani had cervical cancer 2 months after her youngest son was born.  She had undergone chemo and was recovering from a full hysterectomy at the present time, which was performed in March of 2009.

I asked Karen if she ever thought that there was any possibility that Tifani could be my daughter.  She said the chances were very slim but she didn't want Tifani to know that the possibility even existed.  Karen told me that she had always wished I had been Tifani's father as the person who was her father had not contacted either of them in over 20 years.  Somehow Tifani discovered that Karen had been talking with me and that we had discussed the fact that someone else may be her father. Tifani was elated at that possibility.

Tifani emailed me and advised me that she knew and she was excited that there was even the remotest possibility that I could be her father.  She said her mother had mentioned me a few times over the years and had said that if any man could make her go 'straight' that it was me.  Of course, I was flattered but Karen had already told me that she was gay. Even though she had been with a few men she knew she was truly gay.

Tifani asked me if I would be willing to take a DNA test and I agreed. We ordered the testing materials through a reputable firm and after following the DNA instructions to the letter we mailed them off. After a few delays, and great anticipation, I got a call on April 7, 2009 from the DNA firm's office in California. After checking 28 different categories of both our DNAs, it was found that I was Tifani's father, without question. Two days later I was in Austin, Texas to meet my daughter. It was a joyous meeting and we were both elated to finally meet. I cried as I looked into my 'new' daughter's sparkling eyes. She was beautiful.

I made a few more trips out to see Tifani and her extended family.  Meanwhile, Karen and I developed an unexpected interest in each other.  She told me that her relationship with her female partner had grown weak in the last few years.  We never touched......but we wanted to.

Approximately 3 months after our first meeting, it was discovered that the cancer had returned. Tifani now had 2 cancerous spots on her lungs and a cancerous mass had started growing in her pelvic region.  The oncologist told us that the cancer was very aggressive and would likely continue to grow. Her mother and I panicked.  Even though I had a small contracting business in South Carolina I notified my customers of my situation and that I needed to take a leave of absence. Then I headed out to Texas to spend time with my daughter, and Karen. I was fortunate to be able to rent my home in South Carolina to a retired couple that had experienced a fire in their home.

Karen and I shared a one bedroom apartment outside of Austin as we both wanted to see if our relationship would work. We also spent as much time as possible with Tifani and her husband and sons. Tifani resumed the chemo treatments and we waited and hoped that the cancer would just go the hell away.  It didn't and it continued to grow.

After spending 4 months in Austin, I knew the relationship between Karen and I was not going to work out... for reasons I will not divulge. I also needed to return to South Carolina for several reasons, the most important being that I needed to return to my business as my funds were quickly dwindling. I also have many family members in S.C. which includes a daughter, son-in-law and 3 grandsons as well as 2 brothers and their families. It was very difficult leaving Texas but it was necessary. 

It is now March 4th, 2010 and I just returned this weekend from a visit to see my very sick daughter in Texas. Tifani's weight is around 80# and she has very little time left in this world.  It is her wishes to be cremated and to have no funeral services.  She is home and the hospice people have told us that she will likely be gone at any time. I have seen my new daughter for the last time. It is breaking my heart. I had a new daughter for less than a year. Life is not fair but at least Tifani found her real father who really, really loves her.  

Adieu

I've decided to write........not to express any sorrow, happiness or current feelings, only to say that today was a pleasant day.  Although I spent this day alone there are no regrets as I felt that I wanted to spend this time batching it.  The temperature has hovered around the mid-sixties and the sun has shone brightly for most of the day. A beautiful day it has been.

I grabbed my camera and first took a trip over to a small farm where my friends keep a few small goats. I especially wanted to see my little friend 'Lucky'.  Lucky is now about a month old, solid black and such a cute little guy. My friends named him Lucky because his twin brother wasn't so lucky and was in the breech position when those 2 guys decided to exit the womb. Thus, the vet had to sacrifice his brother to allow Lucky to live.  I first met him when he was 3 days old and I have grown quite attached to the little guy. Of course, I took a few snapshots as he was in the midst of suckling when I first arrived. No surprises there. He's a growing boy.  I'd like to think that Lucky recognized me as I stood next to the fence taking pictures and he placed his cloven hooves up on the fence close to me......... but most likely he had hoped I had brought him some kind of treat.

After my visit with Lucky, I ventured over to the Cottonwood Trail which winds along side the Lawson Fork Creek. My last visit to this pleasant, peaceful area was about a month ago and again I took my camera with the hope that the tiny frogs would be inhabiting the wetlands off the Cottonwood Trail.  During my last trip, the swamp was literally covered with hundreds & hundreds of tiny brown frogs, croaking and singing their mating songs for all to hear. However, as I walked along the man-made wooden catwalk which crosses the shallow swamps, this time there were no tiny frogs to be seen or heard, only the tiny black tadpoles swimming in abundance alongside the pier.  It was obvious that the former tenants had 'done their business' and fulfilled their missions as the tadpoles were proof that God had put the little brown polliwogs there to procreate.

After an enjoyable walk along the trail, I took myself and my muddy shoes to the super market to pick up a few supplies for the week as well as some Friskies for my feline.

Nothing monumental................just a pleasant day.

Adieu