I've decided to write........not to express any sorrow, happiness or current feelings, only to say that today was a pleasant day.  Although I spent this day alone there are no regrets as I felt that I wanted to spend this time batching it.  The temperature has hovered around the mid-sixties and the sun has shone brightly for most of the day. A beautiful day it has been.

I grabbed my camera and first took a trip over to a small farm where my friends keep a few small goats. I especially wanted to see my little friend 'Lucky'.  Lucky is now about a month old, solid black and such a cute little guy. My friends named him Lucky because his twin brother wasn't so lucky and was in the breech position when those 2 guys decided to exit the womb. Thus, the vet had to sacrifice his brother to allow Lucky to live.  I first met him when he was 3 days old and I have grown quite attached to the little guy. Of course, I took a few snapshots as he was in the midst of suckling when I first arrived. No surprises there. He's a growing boy.  I'd like to think that Lucky recognized me as I stood next to the fence taking pictures and he placed his cloven hooves up on the fence close to me......... but most likely he had hoped I had brought him some kind of treat.

After my visit with Lucky, I ventured over to the Cottonwood Trail which winds along side the Lawson Fork Creek. My last visit to this pleasant, peaceful area was about a month ago and again I took my camera with the hope that the tiny frogs would be inhabiting the wetlands off the Cottonwood Trail.  During my last trip, the swamp was literally covered with hundreds & hundreds of tiny brown frogs, croaking and singing their mating songs for all to hear. However, as I walked along the man-made wooden catwalk which crosses the shallow swamps, this time there were no tiny frogs to be seen or heard, only the tiny black tadpoles swimming in abundance alongside the pier.  It was obvious that the former tenants had 'done their business' and fulfilled their missions as the tadpoles were proof that God had put the little brown polliwogs there to procreate.

After an enjoyable walk along the trail, I took myself and my muddy shoes to the super market to pick up a few supplies for the week as well as some Friskies for my feline.

Nothing monumental................just a pleasant day.

Adieu

I've always enjoyed writing although I realize that I am not that adept. I enjoy writing down my feelings so it seems that most of my writings have been at times when I was feeling low, sad, heart-broken, etc.  I have written lots of poetry and most of it was written after my divorce, which has now been many years past.

I married my high school sweetheart, a pretty cheerleader, and I was so much in love. We married too young as she became pregnant at 16 and I was 18.  And love her I did,  but after 9 years of marriage I felt heart ache like I never knew existed. I was still very much in love with her but she had decided that she wanted to see what the world looked like from the other side. She said she wanted to have an 'open marriage' which, as most anyone knows, means to date others. I knew that I did not want to date other women and I knew that 'dating others' meant she wanted to have sex with someone else besides me.  It shredded my heart.

By then we had 2 lovely children and I was lost in my search for answers on how to stop what was undeniably coming...........an affair and ultimately a divorce. I talked her into seeing a marriage counselor and she reluctantly agreed to go.  After several sessions of individual meetings with the counselor, then meetings together, individual meetings, etc., the counselor had us both in front of her.  The counselor flatly told my ex that 'unless she decided that she wanted to be a wife and mother and truly wanted to stay married' it would not work. I was quite surprised to hear it put that way but it was obvious that my ex was very disturbed by the counselor's words. On her way out the door she screamed that it wasn't her fault and she would never go back. She never went back.

It wasn't long before she found more and more reasons to be away from home. Most times, she would find a way to start an argument and then storm out the door, mad, and then hop into her little sports car and not come back until late in the night.  Of course, I stayed with the children, most times left to cook dinner for the 3 of us. Up to that time, she had never worked except to occasionally help me.  I ran a small manufacturing company and was making decent money. 

But I honestly understood, at least a little, of how she felt.  She was pregnant at 16 and had never had a chance to date other guys. She had never experienced being on her own for even a short time. She had never worked or had the chance to see what it would be like to have her own place and be totally free. For some stupid reason I think I actually felt sorry for her but I was also totally confused, scared and desperate to find a way to stop what was the inevitable.

At one time, I considered letting her do what she wanted to do, i.e., go out and experience life for a while with the hope that she would eventually realize that I was good to her and that I loved her more than anyone else could. It was breaking my heart to see what was unfolding and I felt so helpless, so afraid of losing the family that I loved so much.  I found myself doing something I had not done in so many years. I cried like a little child. I sobbed from the pain I was feeling inside of me knowing that I was losing my first real love...someone I thought I would be with forever. I had watched my parents divorce and I did not want that to happen to me.  I never would have believed it could ever happen.........but it was.

She finally admitted to me that she had been to bed with another man.  I asked her if it was what she had expected. She said that it wasn't.  Although it really hurt to hear her tell me those words, I hoped that she would change her mind but she told me she wanted to be free to do what she wanted to do.  I knew then that it was truly over. I did the only thing I knew to do........I left.  I know now that I should have told her to leave so that I could take care of the children but at the time I was hurting so much I didn't want the children to see me that way and I didn't know what else to do.

By the way, later I took her to court and got full custody of my 2 children. I now have 4 wonderful grandchildren. But enough of this sad story stuff. I just started writing and this is what came out of me. I plan to write more later and hopefully it will be more cheerful script.

Adieu